Coincidentally, I’ve been reading Michael Pollan’s The Omnivore’s Dilemma, which is so ghastly at the start that you begin to think the only way out is (shudder) vegetarianism. And then Peter comes back and plops down this Protein of the Future, these “Series Foods for Leisure Time,” reasonably priced at only 60 euro cents and attractively packaged. See that Remy Martin bottle and globe pictured on the beef pack? That means they’re classy and cosmopolitan!

Trouble is, they taste like shit.

They also look a little like shit–you can see one just poking its meat-free edge out of the chicken pack.

And they don’t save you from the gross industrial agriculture trap, because they’re made out of soy beans, sugar, salt, MSG, and “smaak versterkers,” which I think means flavor enhancers. Which really just means “people.”

But all my doubts are washed away when I read the fine print assuring me, “This product is especially developed by a team of food specialists.” OK, then. If cows can adapt to thrive on corn, then I can maybe adapt to live on this stuff. But then who’ll eat the cows? The food specialists? It’s all so confusing.

Uh-oh. I ate another one, and I didn’t wince nearly as much. Mmm, peeeeeople.