Florida, in my mind, is just a long list of examples why America is so fucked. 1) Jeb Bush, 2) all his cronies, 3) Disney World, 4) nudist condo resorts (doesn’t sound horrible, but trust me), 5) gigundo retirement towns that use their own currency, &c., &c.

On that master list of Hateful Things in the FLA is the fact that they have a Tomato Committee. Apparently one company grows these tasty tomatoes down there, called the UglyRipe variety, and the high-and-mighty Florida Tomato Committee won’t let them be exported because….OMG, they’re UGLY! Which is to say, they don’t look like they’ve been crapped out of the giant Industrial Tomato-izer 3000 (Guaranteed Red Styrofoam or Your Money Back!).

As the New York Times puts it:

The committee’s rules, called marketing orders, are very strict as to the shape and uniformity of Florida tomatoes that can go to other states…. Flavor is not a factor because, in the committee’s view, it is too subjective.

Choke. Gasp. Those bastards. I can’t tell you what a rage that puts me in–like I’m the only person left in a nefarious near-future world who can actually see the truth, but am powerless to change anything. So I swaddle myself in discarded produce and blow myself up in the city square, in a futile gesture that no one even notices, because they’re so busy eating their perfectly shaped food.

But now I’m trying to calm myself down a little because, ayyyy-men, the morons on the FTC have been given a beat-down by the USDA, and they have to allow UglyRipes to be free at last. (Right after MLK Day–a coincidence?) The change of heart is due partially to an aggressive write-in campaign guided by Santa Sweets, the company that will be marketing the UglyRipes outside of the state. (For the record, Jeb Bush is anti-UglyRipe export because it would give an “unfair advantage.” See what I mean?)

I was very interested to see that it’s Santa Sweets in charge of the whole thing, as I’ve noticed that they’re a reliable brand of those sugary little grape tomatoes, which are about the only supermarket thing that taste tomato-y anymore.

The larger problem, though, is–do I have a right to buy yummy tomatoes in the winter? Isn’t it a horrible waste of petroleum to get those ugly little guys up here to my Trade Fair?

There’s always something to feel guilty about, I guess. If the American food industry is going to insist on flying produce all over the country–and all over the globe–then it may as well taste good. Or, as the guy behind the UglyRipe says, “If Harry & David can sell pears in a box, then we can sell tasty tomatoes.”