How can I come back from Mexico, to what is basically an empty fridge, and still have a hard time tossing something on the top shelf?

Condiments. I knew they’d become a problem before I even left, when I was balancing the anchovies on top of the tahini to make more room on the top shelf. When I look in there, I see a solid mass of jars. That sound they make as I shuffle them around–that clunk of heavy glass and the rattle as they slide across the rack–I know it’s the sound of a problem.

It’s not just my problem. I have a roommate who’s not a cook, and so relies more on food out of jars. But all together, the scene on the top shelf (and door) of my fridge reminds of that quip in Fight Club, when he’s embarrassed about dying and people finding a fridge full of nothing but gourmet mustard…or something along those lines. For some reason, I always thought I was above your average bachelor, because I do use fresh ingredients, and don’t just scoop pre-mixed flavor onto packaged bases.

I also was raised with some prejudice against excessive use of sauces and toppings. My mother’s predilection for ketchup on scrambled eggs, a Jersey thing, was an exception to a general disapproval of my ex-stepdad’s tendency to douse everything in Worcestershire, ketchup, extra salt, mayo, hot sauce and (not or) whatever else was on hand. My father just plain hated mayonnaise, and still gets the heebie-jeebies when he finds it on a sandwich. Unfortunately for him, in Santa Cruz, where he lives now, they even sneak it into meatball subs.

So, do I need all this crap in my fridge? To assess the full scope of the problem (and lay blame with my roommate if need be), today I made a little list of what’s there.

Top shelf, front row, easy access:
–Hellman’s mayo. That baby’s not goin’ anywhere. Sorry, Dad.
–Smucker’s natural peanut butter, chunky. I would have gypsy-red hair from malnourishment if it weren’t for peanuts. A keeper.
–Brita water pitcher. My roommate’s. Normally it stays out on the counter. I guess because I was gone, it snuck back in the fridge.
–Bull’s Eye BBQ sauce, original style. My roommate’s, and it must’ve edged to the forefront while I was gone, but I’ve got no beef with this stuff. I’ll eat it by the spoonful.
–Classico pasta sauce, spicy tomato and pesto. Roommate’s.
–Almost empty jar (ex-Classico) of super-concentrated hibiscus (jamaica, karkadeh) tea that I’d been mixing in with the Lipton powder. Must’ve forgot to finish it before I left. Outta here.
–Small jar of anchovy filets in olive oil. Essential.

A little farther back, but still in view:
–Old Original Bakewell Pudding Shop lemon curd. Another thing of my roommate’s. I think the half-jar that’s been eaten has been consumed solely by the spoonful while looking for other things to eat. It’s never been put on scones, or whatever you’re supposed to do with it.
–Hungarian ajvar red pepper spread. Adrienne bought this for me, and I had been making some delish ajvar-and-cream-cheese omelettes back when I had no actual fresh omelette fillings.
–Mostly gone jar of Hungarian morello cherries. Left over from the yogurt-cherry-All-Bran breakfast binge. Taking up way too much space.
–Devon clotted cream. My roommate’s. Guess that should go on scones too. One of those things that’s so small and precious that you never eat it because it’s so valuable, and then it goes bad. I’ll leave that for him to sort out.
–Simple syrup in an ex-Classico jar. (Good thing my roommate eats that sauce–those jars are handy.) For cocktails. A keeper.
–Marmellata mandarancini con miele. This Sardinian orange jam is delicious and really cheap.
–Marmellata di limone con miele. Not so delicioius. But I bought it with high hopes, after having the orange. Won’t give up on it yet.
–Confittura di more con miele. Least satisfying of all. Why is good blackberry jam so hard to come by?
–Trader Joe’s blackberry preserves. Another attempt. Failed. Out.
–Trader Joe’s apricot spreadable fruit. Enh.
–Mysterious Cypriot apricot jam, with $1.55 price tag. Peter bought this once, and it was insanely good, just like the homemade stuff I used to have, and we went and bought many jars more, and none of it was as good. Damn inconsistent small producers. Out.
–Sesame seeds, in a Classico jar.
–Pickled labneh. Intense, but too messy to toss, and good for quick app plates.
–“Pickled shrimp with thye tomatoes”. Something I bought at the Vietnamese sandwich deli. And they meant one shrimp, which had its head and legs on, so looked like a centipede. I ate that, and have been keeping the tomatoes I guess in case I want to toss them in some noodle dish. Which’ll never happen. Should be out, but I’m already losing my will to purge.
–Jug of Mexican tamarind concentrate, with sugar. Perfect for making pad thai. Goes out on the counter for tonight.
–Preserved lemons in a peanut-butter jar. House-made. Must eat those. My dad mailed a FedEx box full of Meyer lemons, and here they sit. Some in freezer too, I remember.
–Pate naturale piccante di fungi. Picked this up in Rome last summer. Have used it on pasta in a pinch–pretty tasty.
–Heinz sweet relish. I think Aaron bought this for a potato salad recipe. Um, maybe I’ll make tartar sauce? Seems like one of those things you only need every couple of years, but if you toss it, you immediately need it again.
–Old Bakewell etc. rhubarb and ginger jam. My roommate’s. Unopened! What a terrible oversight. But like I need more jam.

All squashed up and stacked up in the back:
–Sun-dried tomatoes in olive oil. Another roommate purchase. It’s too bad they were so overused in the 80s–I can’t eat them without thinking of them mixed with cream cheese on crackers or something, even though they’re innately delicious.
–Smucker’s sundae syrup, caramel (“flavored syrup”), “fat free”. Obviously my roommate’s.
–Dulce de leche. That’s more like it, baby.
–Stonewall Kitchen “martini” mustard. Roommate’s. Vermouth in it?
–Herloch’s Dipping Mustard. Roommate’s. He doesn’t eat it either, though. It’s sweet and disgusting. Should probably pitch it, but he’s not here to OK it.
–Lelarge Dijon mustard. Bought in Montreal for some reason. Cute little jar. Still unopened.
–Szechuan sauce. For making poor-man’s quickie peanut-butter noodles.
–Sesame tahini. Never goes bad. I don’t think.
–Marks & Spencer mint sauce with balsamic vinegar. Roommate’s gift to me. Guess I need to make some lamb.
–Walnut oil. Yum. Expensive. Hope it hasn’t gone rancid while waiting around for a fitting occasion.
–Candied tangerines in heavy syrup. For when I want to welcome people to my house in the traditional Greek style, I suppose. But they’re impossibly sweet. Maybe they need to be soaked in booze?
–Small and large containers of olives and peppers. Provenance and date unknown. They’ll get pitched next week.

Phew. But sweet Jesus, there’s still stuff on the door:
–Sambal oelek. I think this has made something like three moves with me. Good for that quickie PB noodles stuff, but I usually end up using other hot stuff.
–Ikea cloudberry jam. Roommate’s, left over from a cloudberry obsession. How old is that stuff?
–Pesto alla salvia. Also from Rome. Yummy.
–More sun-dried tomatoes. Older than the other ones. How old? Only God knows for sure.
–Jack Daniel’s mustard. Another novelty, probably from the same person who gave my roommate the martini mustard.
–Whole-grain Dijon mustard. This is the only mustard we actually use.
–Toasted sesame seeds. Gosh. Good thing we have these too.
–Tube of tomato paste.
–Tube of anchovy paste. Bought on the very same day I bought the anchovies in the jar. I remember asking if they had salt-cured anchovies too. Strange cravings that day, I guess.
–Marks & Sparks roasted tomato and cardamom chutney. Forgot about that. Probably good with fish.
–A-1 sauce. Roommate’s?
–Two squeeze bottles of Heinz ketchup. Total accident. But reminds me of Livia, whose family loved ketchup so much that the beginning of each week, each family member was given a bottle, with their name written on. If they used it up too soon, tough luck.

And look–even more crap on the next shelf down! (Which is otherwise empty, except for two cooked pieces of bacon, wrapped in saran.)
–cut-rate cornichons (Lebanese). Soft and kind of sweet. Out.
–more cut-rate cornichons (Polish?). Better, but ew. Out.
–proper French cornichons. Mmmm. Crunch. Crunch. Oops. Only two left now.
–Trader Joe’s grade B maple syrup.
–Grade A maple syrup. Bought this weekend because I forgot I had the other.

Hmm. Well, I didn’t end up chucking out very much (and let’s not even start on the spice/vinegar/hot sauce cabinet). I’m so weak. I’ll blame the clutter on my roommate, and console myself with the other thing that’s been taking up shelf space for a couple of months: a bottle of champagne. Makes everything taste better!