Well, before everyone starts anticipating too much, I’d better post _something_.

I recently read that Chuck Thompson, surly author of an expose of the hollow soul of the travel writing industry, characterized New Zealand as “a junior-varsity version of the Pacific Northwest.”

I’m never one to encourage Americans to stay home and keep their worldview narrow, but, uh, New Zealand doesn’t seem to have anything that Oregon doesn’t. Hobbits, maybe? Oh, wait, no: glowworm caves. We totally failed to see this natural phenomenon, and also penguins. In fact, we didn’t really manage to see much of anything nature-y in New Zealand, nor we did appreciate its cities much because everyone was on holiday. Auckland especially felt like the H-bomb had hit.

Australia was a lot livelier, sunnier and full of people we knew. We did a whirlwind tour of three cities, interrupted by a 16-hour train ride that prompted our Ozzie friends to say, “Good on ya for taking the train!” and then just look completely puzzled.

Perhaps it’s easier to analyze the trip in terms of…quelle surprise…food. Here, a tidy list:

What NOT to Eat and Drink in Australia and New Zealand (not to start with the negative–it’s just easier to get the short list out of the way first):

1) A lamb sandwich from Subway.
Well, duh, you’re saying–why eat at Subway at all? But it was 8am, and we were about to get on a 12-hour train ride. Subway was the only thing open, and Peter said the photo was very appealing. And what could be more local than lamb in New Zealand? Well, the meat was fine (thin-sliced, rare, like roast beef), but too bad about the hideously sweet mint sauce.

2) A meat pie in a plastic crinkly bag.
Purchased in the same desperate move as the Subway sub. Glutinous and terrifying. Not a fair introduction to the genre of meat pie at all.

3) Abalone fritter
I could go either way on this one. It didn’t taste actually bad. But it was black, which was disturbing. I guess I never knew abalone meat was black. I wanted to order something aside from the usual fish and chips, and use a Maori word (paua?) while I was at it. Halfway through the fritter, I got distracted by the silver-haired 60-year-old woman in black rocker skinny-leg jeans who walked into the fish shop, in bare feet. No one in NZ seems to wear shoes. Britney Spears: there’s a place for you.

4) Dog food
Again, obvious–but weirdly tempting. I didn’t actually eat the stuff, but I was staggered at the selection of fresh dog food in the grocery store: big plastic tubs of fresh meat chunks, and long rolls, like the kind breakfast sausage comes in but much bigger, of really hefty meaty stuff. Kiwi dogs must be the best-fed in the world. That was some of the most appealing-looking food in the whole supermarket, for any species.

5) Hot food on Australia’s long-distance trains
Wow. We haven’t eaten such substandard food since the bad old days of airplane cuisine–and this stuff (butter chicken, beef lasagne) didn’t even come on nifty sectional trays. Oh, and thanks to the grossly weak US dollar, it was expensive to boot. Probably while I was busy chewing the tasteless stuff, I missed seeing a kangaroo. Thanks for nothing, Country Link.

6) Lumps
Another thing I could honestly go either way on. These pineapple-flavored marshmallow, chocolate-enrobed Australian candy bars are just plain weird. At first bite, it feels like you’re starting in on a long and loving relationship with a piece of chewing gum. Next thing you know, the stuff is slithering down your throat. There’s the barest soupcon of pineapple in there somewhere.

Hmm. I told you it was a short list. The positive stuff will come tomorrow…