I’m back. The good news is I ate insanely well, from Turkish rooftop chicken to Bulgarian yogurt-and-cucumber drink.

The bad news is that some creep stole my laptop (and, it appears, my Palm, so I can’t even retrieve my addresses) while I was away. As part of Operation You’ll Never Work in This Town Again, I’m posting his details here. He also owes Tamara $600 in back rent.

The perp:

Here’s his website. Seems like a nice enough guy, if not so savvy in his style choices.

Goes by Christopher Dunivan, Topher Dunivan, Chris Dunivan, Christopher Rudolph Dunivan, and occasionally Christopher Whiteley. (He’s _not_ Chris Dunivan, mild-mannered and respectable web designer.)

Additionally, he’s a church organist, originally from Augusta, Ga. (Skidaway Island). He even likes to “romp n’ stomp for Jesus on [the organ] from time to time”. Further proof that Christians ain’t what they used to be.

In all fairness, he, semi-psychopathically, took the trouble to email me back and say it was the construction workers that he let in to use the bathroom who took the laptop. Never mind that a normal, non-guilty person would’ve felt bad about letting the construction workers in. And that my landlord, whom I trust, says the workers were never in my house. He also, semi-psychopathically, went to the trouble of leaving an envelope with a deposit slip and _no check_ at Tamara’s bank–like, what, they wouldn’t notice? And Tamara talked to an acquaintance of his who saw him using a laptop at a cafe during the time he lived in my house–though he’d had no computer when he was at Tamara’s.

Vile man. The charming officer of the 114th are on the case. Letters are being drafted to various Episcopal churches where he’s been a member, as well as to the American Guild of Organists. If anyone spots him in NYC, especially while he’s using my computer (last spotted in Chelsea), or perhaps while hooking (it’s been known to happen, apparently), please throw him to the ground and call the cops. His name is on file.