And by “brotha,” I of course mean a fellow food lover. THIS is what everyone should be warned about:
This vile new product, this thing they call the “Grapple” (that’s “GRAPE-ul”–see the diacritic mark?)–I saw it in the grocery store and was purely horrified. But did I share my knowledge with my friends and loved ones? No, I kept my lip zipped. And so you see the results.
The GRAPE-ul wound up in my own house, in my own trash can, after three separate people’s taste buds had been violated.
A Grapple, see, is a grape-flavored apple. The first time I laid eyes on it, I was drawn to its shiny individual-apple-shaped packaging and its placement in the organic section of the grocery store. Of course I was thinking how reprehensible it was that plastic packaging was considered organic, so I stomped over to snort in disgust within the packaged-apple’s hearing range. Halfway there, though, I started to feel a small welling up of hope–perhaps this was some exciting new apple? Some insanely delicious thing that would make me forget all about the packaging and just be utterly delighted in modern farming miracles?
Well, I got up close, I saw it was a GRAPE-ul, and then I read the very, very fine print: ARTIFICAL GRAPE FLAVORING.
What?!
I snorted very audibly, tossed the box back down, leaving it all askew on the tidy organic-stuff shelf. That was the only warning I left to others, however.
Last night, I sent Peter out for some last-minute grocery shopping. He came back with fish and shrimp and shallots…and a box of “Hey, these looked cool–look at their funny packaging! What do you think they are? Some cool hybrid fruit?”
The invasion was complete. I even took a bite out of one. So did Susannah. So that was three bites out of three separate apples, plus one untouched, so we didn’t feel quite so wasteful about throwing them all in the trash, I guess.
They tasted exactly like grape popsicles. The whole kitchen smelled like “grape,” and made me think of past summers of grape Flav-R-ice, and how my throat would itch when I ate them too quickly. That can’t be good for you.
I am consciously sounding like Mayor Bloomberg when I say, “People, what’s wrong with just plain apples? They’re not that hard to eat. And they don’t taste bad either.”
And I sound just like me and the cranky guy on the corner when I say, “What is the world coming to?” But clearly that’s not a sharp enough warning.