I’ve been working at this exceptionally trashy job that calls for long hours in a windowless room. I come in around 930 and stagger out around 730 or 800. Food is brought to us once, sometimes twice a day. I am getting more disoriented, as my head fills with details about ruching, the 90s revival, and raunchy fashionista behavior.

A box in the corner holds all the unwanted swag: Song airlines hats, bottle openers, Altoids in experimental flavors. The most disquieting, yet my secret salvation in an afternoon slump: Z Carb Gourmet Dark Chocolate Bar with Soy Crisps.

I know, gross, right? Especially when the label copy reads: Zero Carbs, Zero Guilt, Zero Laxative Effect. Is that last item meant to cast aspersions on regular chocolate bars? I don’t really understand.

But it’s _good_. Basically just not-very-sweet dark chocolate with some crispy bits in it. Oh, now I see it’s sugar-free. The sweetener is “sucralose”–aka Splenda, I discover. Hmm: side effects in animals include aborted pregnancy and diarrhea. That’s where the slogan “All of what you want, none of what you don’t” must come in: Yes to regular digestion; no to unwanted pregnancy.

One last comment: “Functional ingredients”: include “chocolate anti-oxidants”, serotonin and anadamide. No wonder I feel so happy.

No, one _really_ last comment: Just flipped the package over and saw that it says “HVC: Real Chocolate from a Real Chocolate Company.” Just like the laxative-effect copy, this makes me suspicious: why are they so determined to convince me it’s real chocolate?

OK–clearly going around the bend. Must eat unprocessed food soon. Growing weaker…